I’m in Philadelphia, writing at my own desk. It’s night, which I don’t think is when I usually write, it feels different. I’m smoking a cbd/herbal spliff called “car sex” right now and ashing into a tiny thrifted ceramic dish with ducks on it. I’ve been thinking more and more about the fact that I’m not cis, though I don’t know where that leaves me. I’ve felt comfortable identifying as genderfluid for a long time, as I like the room to slide back and forth along the spectrum, but more and more I feel like a guy who loves being feminine. I made a joke that I’m a he sun, they moon, she rising, but you can use any pronouns for me. I’m learning a lot about what feels good, and how to stay with it.
I haven’t pulled tarot this week, but I have really been Feeling Pisces Season sitting directly on my chest. I’m weepy at the drop of a hat, mostly in good ways. I’ve been reading a lot of poetry, I’m trying to enter an era where I only read history, theory, and poetry for a while. If I told you that at a party what kind of guy would you think I am? That’s fine, I get it. I went to a show the other night, and wore new pants, and talked to strangers, and felt really good about myself. I’m happy to be home.
Let’s talk music: I’ve had more days recently where music really excites me and feels like something I want to swim in. Here’s a list of some highlights:
Chapter One: Latin America by Gato Barbieri (1973) — Ricardo found a vinyl copy of this in Ithaca, NY and purchased it for our sweet friend Dominic. He told me it’s the perfect record to start your day with, so I waited until I woke up the next day and put it on while I made toast and coffee. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a huge Pharoah Sanders fan, and that free jazz really hits a satisfying spot for me. That world can be intimidating, there’s so much lore and there’s just so much music to sift through, not to mention scenes that sprawl and overlap from country to country and year to year for decades. Gato Barbieri is just an absolutely incredible saxophone player, and the energy this record has is amazing. I would implore you to check it out, even if it sounds outside of your normal comfort zone.
Squeeze by SASAMI (2022) — She’s so GOOD at everything she does. The fact that this record is half industrial dance metal and half Sheryl Crow-core is so hot. 32 minutes is a tantalizing album length.
Fontaines D.C. — People in my life have been talking for years about how much they love this band and I knew I would get around to listening to them eventually, but I finally did it and I’m so glad I did, this Sound is one of my absolutely favorite Sounds. Their new song “I Love You” is what got me to take the plunge and holy shit, what a track. I listened to their 2020 record A Hero’s Death and I’m looking forward to hearing more. I also finally made the connection that a bunch of my partner’s stick n’ pokes were given by their bass player’s gf, so that’s sick.
Tapestry by Carole King (1971) — Lucy was playing a cover of “Home Again” on this tour and it kept getting stuck in my head so I finally listened to Tapestry for the first time. When I was a kid my mom had a CD copy of this record that moved with us from car to car to house to house until it didn’t play anymore, honestly she probably still has it. I never really trusted my mom’s music taste so I disregarded this one until now. I am happy to welcome Tapestry into my heart, thank you Carole. A ridiculous amount of bangers.
Daire sent “Teenage Talk” by St. Vincent in a text today so I listened to it too many times, which should be illegal, especially during Pisces season. I was sitting getting nostalgic for past times I had sat listening to this same song getting nostalgic. Nostalgia for nostalgia is too much! But in all seriousness this song is I think one of the best in her catalog, but maybe gets overlooked because it was a one-off? The real heads know.
CAPRISONGS by FKA twigs (2022) — Real “I wish you could see in you what I see in you” and crying in the club hours with this one. I love twigs, and I got really emotional listening to this one thinking about what she’s been through, but also thinking about my friends and what they’ve been through, and how much I want love and light to be present in their healing journeys. I want everyone I love to be able to see in them what I see in them.
Songs of Leonard Cohen by Leonard Cohen (1967) — I’ve been reading a small book of Leonard Cohen lyrics and poems before bed every night, and when I got to the section with the lyrics to “Suzanne” I spent the next couple nights laying listening to this record, usually falling asleep to it. Last May I played a great game with two friends in the car on a long drive where we named musicians we’ve known about forever but have never listened to, and Leonard Cohen was one of mine. I fell in love with him on that drive. There’s a line in “So Long, Marianne” that Nicolay pointed out to me, “I forget to pray for the angels // And then the angels forget to pray for us”, I always think of him when I hear that line, and that’s love baby.
This can take me into books: I picked up that volume at a bookstore in Oklahoma City. The way I like to buy poetry is to open the volume up to a random page, read that poem, and if I like it I go for it. The page I flipped to in this volume knocked me out:
If ever someone was effortlessly cool, it sure was Leonard Cohen.
The other poetry book I just wrapped up today was Rose by Li-Young Lee. What an absolute treat and also delight. This was definitely something that made me well up over and over again. The way Lee is able to write about mundane actions and bring images back through the work cyclically to establish the world and his family members and evoke them in new contexts made me emotional, just in awe of his skill. But the gentle nature of portraying both simple and complex emotions in this collection kinda wrecked me. I am including “From Blossoms”, which made me CRY and I’ve sent it to many people and read it back many times this week and I shed at least one tear each time. I don’t always have the easiest time connecting with my mom, but she lost a friend of many many years this week, and we facetimed the day after for an hour and cried together and I sent her this poem and it brought her some comfort, and for that I am forever grateful. Poetry rocks, I’m crying again right now.
I’m now reading Eros the Bittersweet by Anne Carson, and even though I know how amazing she is I feel like it still hits me unexpectedly deep every time I read another of her works. The way that seeing a band live can really change and enhance the experience of listening to their recorded music, I feel like I can really connect with her written words on a deeper level after seeing her lecture and experiencing her quiet and thoughtful intensity. I’m on an eros kick right now, I got stoned and read The Agony of Eros by Byung-Chul Han the other night — a short work about how capitalism and true love are diametrically opposed, I’m now reading Eros the Bittersweet — a work on Ancient Greek erotic poetry that, again, continues to surprise and sneak up on me in so many wonderful ways, next I plan on tackling A Plea for Eros by Siri Hustvedt, another brilliant women I have unending respect for. Themed reading is fun!
Let’s talk about movies ♥
I saw a film in a theater yesterday for the first time in over a month (no movies on tour) and boyyyyyy did I sob so hard that I had to figure out how to control my breathing so I wouldn’t make a scene, relatable? I! love! movies!!!
I’ve seen 3 movies since I last wrote:
Purple Rain (1984, dir. Robert Magnoli) — PRINCE! It was really fun to watch this on a night off on tour in a hotel room with my friends. We did a show at First Avenue in Minneapolis, which is where much of this film takes place, and that was really special. Prince is so hot, not a hot take, I know. I got really emotional watching the character of The Kid navigate the cycles of abuse and power, and I was really impressed by how affecting the story was while also being an over the top sexy camp time. What more could you ask for?
The Worst Person in the World (2021, Norway, dir. Joachim Trier) — This is what I saw in theaters that made me sob uncontrollably. I was sitting in that room yesterday feeling incredibly 26 years old. I have so many feelings about this one. I would put this up there with Drive My Car (which is now streaming on HBO Max by the way!) levels of approaching every character with nuance. No one is just one thing, and as each chapter unfolds you learn new angles of our protagonist and the people in her life, especially the leading men in her life. I think it is so powerful to portray characters who are flawed but ultimately lovable and alternatively portray people as lovable, but not use that as an excuse to hold onto them forever, or stagnate their role in your life.
This is such a dynamic film; it’s funny, it’s irreverent, it’s touching, it’s exploratory, and it shows episodes of your mid-20s coming of age that are SO honest, and so authentic. I would be lying if I said I didn’t relate heavily to this character internalizing that she’s a terrible person for simply not knowing what she wants. I think the intergenerational dialogue was brilliant, the issues that come up in relation to gender didn’t feel heavy-handed or one-sided, they felt messy and stupid and funny and annoying, the same way they feel in life. I just felt so excited and so surprised by how deeply I was touched by so many moments of this film, not only in heartwarming ways but in heartbreaking ways, and in ways that struck a chord the way a Good poem unexpectedly does, it’s that recognition of what you’ve thought and felt or watched other people experience, something you’ve maybe never put words to or expected to see duplicated and represented so genuinely on screen or in art. I think Trier just absolutely knocked this one out of the park. There are simply too many fantastic moments to name, and guess what, they’re all fantastic for different reasons!
finalement, I watched Xanadu (1980, dir. Robert Greenwald) — I was considering not including the director’s name here, because it’s almost like who cares who directed Xanadu? But I figured I’d look into it just to see what else he made in case that was interesting and OH BOY was it. So Robert Greenwald worked in commercial film and television for years and took a sharp turn in his career around 15 years ago to found Brave New Films, a non-profit documentary production company that produces nonfiction features and shorts about political and economic corruption, voter suppression, war, prison, weapons, etc. and how people profit from those things, so that is just pretty cool I think, good move Robert.
Anyway, Xanadu!!!! What a fun camp time. It made me want to go get my aura photographed so I can look like Olivia Newton John while she glows and rolls around. I’m on a mission to watch movies in the classic Gay canon, I want to understand more references, and I want to see the originals, not just the derivatives, so this came from that journey. It was wacky, and nonsensical, and fun, and silly, and we screamed at the tv the whole time. Mostly “WOW” and “she looks amazing” and “okay!!??”, you know, the way a film is meant to be watched. Also, did you know Gene Kelly is in it? If you want to have fun, this one’s for you.
Dessert! (what made me happy this week):
Coming home to my amazing partner who never misses an opportunity to make me feel brilliant and beautiful and worthy of love! How blessed am I?
Loungewear, something I’ve started to take very seriously (and by that I of course mean something I’m having a lot of fun with): I made Daniel buy us matching pastel purple 100% cotton pajama sets from J. Crew in their after Christmas sale last year after we watched Phantom Thread, and I would highly recommend getting into some fun adult pajamas. Today I’m rocking a linen housecoat, satin cami, the pants from the aforementioned set, and my yellow fluffy slippers. I’m so comfortable and I’m also so cute.
Simple pleasures like buttered toast and fresh lemon juice in my water jug. Those are just slapping for me this week.
Regina Spektor covering Leonard Cohen’s “Chelsea Hotel” — The last thing I did before going to bed last night was play this out loud on my phone. I hadn’t heard it in years, but god the chokehold Regina Spektor had on me 2006-2012 is impossible to emphasise enough. She was definitely a gay root for me, thank you my fellow Russian Jew angel. I heard this song a hundred times before I knew it was a cover, but she does it so well, it’s one of those where the original will never be “the original” for me, because this version was so intertwined in my discovering myself.
Thank you as always for reading, I hope you do something today that makes you feel deep satisfaction and pleasure ♥