Hello friends, I am writing to you from Milwaukee on this first luxurious day off on tour. I’m on the road with my dear friend Lucy Dacus, selling merch to all you fine folks, so if you just happen to read this and also come to a show please come find me and say hi! So far we’ve hit Detroit, Newport, KY, and Indianapolis, we’ll stay here in Wisconsin for tomorrow’s show on Valentine’s Day and I’m so looking forward to putting on something red and pink and sparkly and feeling like a cupcake all night.
So far I’ve spent this much-needed day off sleeping until noon, indulging in chicken & waffles (with butter, syrup, hot sauce, and gravy), taking a long shower, and catching up on reading newsletters from some of my favorite writers, all in preparation to sit down and write my own. I’m currently listening to a mixtape of afrobeats that my sweetest DD shared with me a while back, called Ezase Afro, Vol 1. This lowkey dancey vibe is my ideal for cooking, cleaning, writing, and/or taking a walk, so basically this is the perfect downtime soundtrack.
It’s been about 2 weeks since I last sent out a newsletter because so much has transpired in that time, I haven’t had the time to sit and reflect much outside of one really solid journaling session last week when my cat was asleep in my lap and I couldn’t move. A big life update that I’m very excited to share is that my partner and I put in an offer on a house and it was accepted, so simultaneous to the mad dash to prepare for this tour, I also was jumping through all of the hoops to get an inspection and a follow up electrical inspection and fill out all the proper financial documents etc. etc. but it seems now like we’re pretty solidly going to be buying a house and closing in ~6 weeks.
This has been such a whirlwind that I’m processing in waves as I’ve never ever pictured owning a home as a possibility for myself, especially not at 26. I’ve been sitting a lot with the immense privilege it was to make the kind of money I did on tour last Fall, money I’ve never made before in my life, and to simultaneously have such low living expenses and so few responsibilities right now that I was able to put the majority of that money in savings and not have to touch it until now, to put in a down payment. Growing up, I lived in a new house every year, and the longest I’ve ever lived in any one place in my life is 2 years. My mom talked constantly in my childhood about wanting to buy a house and feeling embarrassed to be around my friend’s parents who owned their homes, homeownership was something that held such weight in my youth, and seemed so incredibly unattainable, that I just never let myself fantasize about it. My mom and her new husband bought their first home together 2 years ago, and one of the silver linings in our incredibly complicated relationship has been to watch her decorate and renovate, and finally live her lifelong dream in her home that she’s so proud of.
In therapy last week I talked a lot about how important commitment is to me, and how that theme has been emerging in so many areas of my life right now: in friendships, in my relationship, in my wanting to be more still, in my commitment to myself and honoring my wants and needs and dreams!!, and now in this commitment to a house. I love my neighborhood so much, and all of my friends who live within walking distance of me, and all of the local businesses that I love to frequent, and the walks I love to take and retake so often, and I got overwhelmed with gratitude (and tears) thinking about the fact that I get to put down roots in the place that I love with the people that I love. Imagining getting to build a life step by step, year by year in a homebase, imagining five years, ten years, twenty years from now looking back on every memory I’ll make in that space, something I’ve never been able to do before, it was honestly like a breakthrough, realizing how deeply I’ve always wanted that. I’m so lucky to have people in my life who encourage me, who tell me that I can do things I’ve never imagined for myself, people who help me navigate the money and the bureaucracy and every obstacle that feels insurmountable, or designed to push me away. The privilege of homeownership is not lost on me, the privilege of making $14k in 7 weeks and being able to turn around and spend $10k of that on a down payment is not lost on me, but I also think that these numbers are so much smaller than I ever imagined in the abstract!
I don’t know if this is something that might be encouraging to you or make you roll your eyes, but I feel like this experience is in a way showing me that sometimes things that feel impossible, are actually just difficult or opaque, but entirely possible. A refrain that I have in my own mind, that I’m working on catching in the moment, and working on with my therapist is: when I see someone doing something I would love to do and immediately go to “That’s awesome for them, but that can’t be for me, that’s something I would love to have/be/do, but I’m not the kind of person who gets to have/be/do that”. I know that one of my worst habits is to say no to myself on behalf of others instead of trying something and seeing what happens, I shut myself down before anyone else can have the chance. This is incredibly common, and again, something I’ve been working on catching, naming, and resisting.
In December and early January I was constantly pulling the Queen of Swords, first in reverse and then upright, I pulled her 100% of the time that I pulled cards for the better part of a month. The Queen of Swords, to me, is all about being able to make clear-headed decisions where you are able to prioritize what you want and need, instead of taking everyone else into consideration first. Of course, being considerate is crucial, and I don’t want to encourage myself or others to throw consideration away, but if you’re like me and you were raised to basically become a caretaker and to always put everyone else before yourself, it’s honestly crucial and life-affirming to take a moment to put yourself first from time to time. I’ve been trying to hold the Queen of Swords close to my heart as I’m going through a huge life transition, (oh yeah, I forgot to mention I also left my job of two+ years at Topshelf Records), and listen to what feels good and right and try to make those things a more present part of my day to day life, specifically in thinking towards what I will do to support myself in my work.
(interlude to watch the Bengals lose the superb8wl…… pain…… misery…..)
Recently, I’ve started pulling pentacles pretty consistently, when I’ve historically rarely, if ever, pulled pentacles. On the last full moon I pulled the Knight of Pentacles, and then on the new moon I pulled the Nine of Pentacles — two figures I need to hold right now:
What I’m taking from these is a sign to, in a sense, “take my destiny into my own hands”: to move forward in an active way towards making my dreams a reality, so that later I can reap what I’m sowing now. Pentacles are all about the physical realm: earthly delights, as well as what you do externally to express your internal world. My biggest goal right now is a lofty one: take what I know to be my priorities, my goals, and my ideals of how to be in this world, and find ways to manifest them in my own life. I want to figure out how to better align my behavior and what I can offer to this world and my community more closely with what I think this world needs, and what I think I need. For me it is the time to lay plans, and to plant seeds, so that hopefully one day I can stand in my garden and look fondly on all the beauty I’ve helped into existence. I have some seeds I want to plant, and hopefully one day they will be sprouts, and when they are I will be excited to share them.
What I’ve been listening to this week:
My friends Foyer Red (whose shirt I am wearing as I write this) and their deliciously fun and bouncy and strange EP Zigzag Wombat that never fails to bring me joy. My partner and I walk around saying “thank you soooooooooo very much” and maybe you will too after listening to this.
I’ve been listening to Gaga’s Born This Way album because why deny yourself the simple pleasures of both nostalgia and good pop music? There are just too many undeniable bops on this record, it’s obscene.
Promises, the collaborative record between Floating Points and one of my all-time favorite musicians and living legend, Pharoah Sanders. Since it was released this has been a go-to record for when I want to tune out the rest of the world and be brought back to center.
HARDY’s HIXTAPE: Vol. 1 — this is a goldmine of pop country excellence that is basically on nonstop in my house, and it was the only thing I wanted to listen to while in Kentucky. Another record obscenely packed with hits, not exclusive to one of the greatest songs of all time: “He Went to Jared”.
I basically only listen to pop music and records that I know and love deeply while on tour because music becomes a very functional part of my day. I listen to a record while I’m doing my count-ins, and then maybe while I’m in the trailer pulling restocks, and then maybe when I’m in my bunk at night before going to sleep. I want upbeat shit to get me through my workday, and then music that brings me comfort and joy while I’m unwinding. It’s always fun to keep track of my impulses and what I gravitate towards and keep coming back to on the road.
I think it may as well be time to wrap up this movie roundup. I think that this newsletter will mostly stay in the same format moving forward, but in place of where this roundup has lived there will very likely be longer-form analysis and reflection on whatever films I’ve been watching that week. I think this will be very productive, as I am trying to push back on the aversion I’ve had for years (since film school and leaving pursuing a career in film) to discuss what I’m viewing.
Only recently have I started to be interested again in reading about film, writing about film, and sharing film experiences, instead of keeping my relationship with film incredibly insular and personal. I’d like to explore writing more in-depth about what I’m viewing and exploring themes and motifs that come back cyclically through my viewing in this newsletter. I also want to not only write about things I loved, but write about things I hated, and things that I felt so-so about or didn’t leave a huge impression on me. I think it’s important to explore every side of your own taste, and as A.S. Hamrah so aptly said in this interview that my lovely Elena shared with me, “A lot of critics aren’t critical. You know, you’re not a cheerleader. The moral stakes of any work of art are important and that’s something that you have to consider. I think people are so used to reading anodyne criticism, and when anyone says anything that seems harsh they consider it moralistic.” I’d like to explore what it would feel like to have a dedicated section of this newsletter for honestly critiquing (and praising) films beyond my favorites of the year. So with that in mind, let’s round out the roundup, yeehaw.
Stray Dogs (2013, Taiwan, dir. Tsai Ming-Liang) — I wrote about Tsai Ming-Liang in a previous newsletter, and watched this after writing about my love for him. All I need to say here is that I honestly love watching a film that feels like a staring contest.
No End (1985, Poland, dir. Krzysztof Kieślowski) — I LOVE Krzysztof Kieślowski. In 2020 I watched ten of his films, one of which was the ten hour Decalogue. I really enjoyed returning to his canon after reading Kieślowski on Kieślowski, and I just think he’s hard pressed to make a bad film. I think the Three Colors Trilogy, which is perhaps what he’s most famous for, and what I saw first of his, are far from his best films, and that if you really want to see the gold in his work, look back to what he made before leaving Poland.
Barry Lyndon (1975, UK, dir. Stanley Kubrick) — I finally watched Barry Lyndon! No one told me how fun and funny it was going to be! Of course it doesn’t stay that way the entire time, but maybe it’s my bad habit assuming that anything that looms too largely in critical and cultural esteem is going to be a slog, but it’s far from that. Something I didn’t know about myself until last Winter is that I am such a little slut for a period drama. I am just so tickled by the costumes and the pageantry and the scandal and the production design, I really really love it. Barry Lyndon had all of that for me, and I was so happy to watch it on Christmas Eve while I was sick as a dog with covid, it really lit me up, I needed it.
[Compulsory entry about watching It’s A Wonderful Life on Christmas and crying crying crying. Just one of the best.]
Possession (1981, France, dir. Andrzej Żuławski) — Credited as French, but directed by a Polish man in East Germany, just for context, oh and it’s in English. A FANTASTIC creature feature. Good god, Isabelle Adjani is on fire in this film, I want to watch so many more movies with her in them, what an absolute treat. This movie starts at 100 and somehow manages to continuously top itself. Not for a day when you want to watch something to calm you down, but perhaps for a day when you’re feeling just a tad bit manic and want some silver screen validation. I was so On One and Feral after watching this that I accidentally launched my slipper off of my foot and broke our bowl :( Incredible meditations on surveillance and autonomy explored through political and personal lenses, especially within heterosexual monogamy baby baby.
Teknolust (2002, Germany, dir. Lynn Hershman-Leeson) — This is not a recommendation, but I would be remiss if I didn’t include this film where Tilda Swinton plays not only a scientist named Rosetta Stone, but also her three identical, color-coordinated sex(y) robot automaton AI creations who wear monochrome lewks designed by Yohji Yamamoto. Fun to put on and go “wooooooow” to the entire time, which is I think at least partially what she was going for.
The Scary of Sixty-First (2021, USA, dir. Dasha Nekrasova) — Yes, I watched the Red Scare directorial debut, and yes I really enjoyed it. This shlocky horror romp about the ghosts of Jeffrey Epstein’s sex crimes was not only my favorite kind of horror film, i.e. bad in all the best and most stylish ways, but was also pleasantly self-aware in ways that I truly was not expecting. Dasha and Anna had a hold on me in early 2019, when they were some of the only people I could see publicly criticizing contemporary girlboss feminism for what it is: a capitalist exploitation factory, but quickly lost me from there. Still, I hold out low-level hope that they’ll use their power for good, and idk I just liked this movie, it’s sick that she won a prize at Berlin for it.
Memoria (2021, Colombia, dir. Apichatpong Weerasethakul) — Believe the hype on this one. Mr. Weerasethakul, aka Joe, has long been one of my favorite directors, and this film absolutely did not disappoint. Personally, as a snob of sorts, I loved that he mandated that the film must be seen in theaters. It will never stream, it will never have a DVD/Blu ray release, you can only see it in a theater. Not just any theater though, you can only see it in one theater at a time as it makes its rounds for one week at a time in one city at a time. I got lucky and saw this film at the IFC center, and basically the whole reasoning for this release strategy is because so much of the plot hinges on one particular sound that comes into play, the sound is crucial, and honestly the collective experience of hearing and feeling the sound with a crowd in a room is also crucial. We’re back to good ol’ Tilda in this film, but in such a different role: here she is a vessel, and she carries us through to the final act, which left me breathless. I will see this again when I get the chance. When I left the theater I walked around Manhattan in a daze, truly stunned, and disoriented in a way that felt so good. If you get the chance, catch this one.
That’s all I got!!! That rounds out every movie I saw in 2021. A total of 131, and I wrote about probably 50 of them, which is a pretty good ratio for stand-out films for the year. It’s been really rewarding in unexpected ways to take this time to reflect deeply on the year, and to recall back to films that affected me and stuck with me many months later. I believe deeply that art can affect you in such different ways at different times and I want to find ways to make space for acknowledging first/early impressions of films as well as films or moments or techniques etc. that stick with me after plenty of time passes. We will explore together :—)
Two final things:
I’m reading Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead and it is very good, I will be excited to write about this when I finish it soon.
Elif Batuman wrote a profile on Céline Sciamma that made me laugh, cry, and scream (honestly, out loud) and I want to bring it to your attention because I highly recommend it. I attended one of the American premieres for Portrait of a Lady on Fire and got to meet and briefly talk to Céline and one of the women from NEON (one of the best distribution companies in the biz), and I will always remember the moment she asked me my name and when I told her it was Mack, the way she paused and then up-downed me while she repeated my name back to me. B R E A T H T A K I N G, thank you ma’am. Her new film sounds amazing and I can’t wait to see it.
Okay it’s officially past midnight so Happy Valentine’s Day to all you cuties, thank you for reading this and for letting my thoughts take up space in your brain and life, what an honor.
<3
2021 movie roundup: the final chapter
Mack! Happy Valentine's Day! This newsletter made my heart so happy and filled me w pride. I'm so happy for you and your partner and your future house :)) It's been a long time since I've lived anywhere longer than a year, so the desire for roots really resonates with me. I hope everything works out beautifully <3 Also, I got your postcard literally the day I was supposed to see the show, but after I had made the decision to stay home due to covid concerns :( Hope to see you out there when the world feels safer. Listening to Zigzag Wombat while writing this and I love it, thank you!!
Hi Mack! Congrats on your house!! Thanks for linking that interview with Celine, I loved Petite Maman and then went on a binge of all her movies, she is so good. I'm looking forward to reading the interview <3